Sweet Mountains and Future plans

J and I went to Tennessee this weekend.  Back to his home town of Elizabethton.  The scenery was amazing.  Oh how I miss the mountains!!  My college roommate was from the town over so I had actually been to the area quite a few times.  Small world sometimes.  10 hours in the car and we had a great time.  Probably the most relaxing time I’ve had in awhile.  Maybe in ten years when he is retired and I am looking to move the business we can find a way to make a more mountainous locale work for us.  What a dream that would be.

We did some killer runs in the mountains in sunny 50 degree weather.  What a flatlander runner I am.  I understand now why even at his age J kicks my butt all over the road.  If I did the first 20 years of my running career in this area I’d been in superb shape.

Now it is time to think about a wedding.  It is such a strange concept for me.  I never thought in a million years I would be getting married.  Ever.  I look forward to the ritual of it all.  There is amazing delight in my heart right now.

Where to Start?

Thanksgiving was a wonder on so many levels. Ex’s parents were in town and I sent the kids to have as much family time with them and their dad as possible. Honestly Thanksgiving isn’t a huge holiday in my family. My father and his wife went gambling. We had brunch at my mother’s. I did run a fabulous fun 5K. Running on Thanksgiving morning has become my new tradition. Over 1000 runners/walkers. That’s a lot for this area. Not my best time 22:13. But good enough for 4th in my age group. Really I hate 5ks. I’d rather 10 miles slightly slower any day than the all out sprint of a 5k.

The real story happened Thanksgiving evening. J and I went back to his house for a quiet dinner. A little turkey and mash potatoes. Some cherry pie and chocolate ice cream. And for the real dessert:

So I am thrilled. We are thrilled. Even my family is halfway happy. I think it is going to be a fabulous Christmas.

A week late but who can resist?

Sprinting Forward

What have I been doing lately?  Everything as usual.  It seems the days keep slipping away before I realize it.  T will be 6 yrs old on Monday.  The day after I get back form my business trip.  That in itself is hectic.  Ex-dp just finished his 10 days in jail and is now on house arrest for the next 30 days.  He’s even needier than before.  I still have another year plus of driving the kids to see him.  But I think we are going to have to come up with a better solution than that.  I might go crazy by then.  Seriously.  I am not a gal who is used to driving.  Or even likes driving.  Now it seems I spend half the week in the car.  Not to mention the price of gas *ouch*!

My running is in full swing again.  I am so in love with it.  It is funny has this relationship has ebbed and flowed over the years.  But I am head over heels again.  After battling with my left shin most of October it resolved itself in time for a big race I had been wanting to run.  A local 10 miler, probably my favorite racing distance.  I had done rather well last year and hoped to be in stellar shape this year.  That did not happen.  However somehow I found my groove.  Weather was perfect, competition great and I ran a nearly flawless race.  Of course went out to fast but recovered quickly and went on to run it in 1:14:43.  Two and half minutes faster than last year.  Weighing probably 5 lbs more.  If I could just buckle down and deal with the weight I would be flying.  I won my age division, 10th woman overall.  And right up there with some of my favorite rabbits.  I am getting faster despite everything else in my life.  Barely any time to train and my speed and endurance are still climbing.  So I am running with the train.  Looking to build miles and somehow, just somehow ran that marathon in the spring.  And hope against hope for that magical 3:40:00 or less.  I want Boston so bad.

Fall into winter has descended on the Midwest too.  My favorite time to run.  I can spend my lunch hour cramming 3-4 miles in instead of walking.  Seriously the first real money I save in this life will be to put a shower into my workplace.  This business will be mine in a decade or so.  An extra unused, but plumbed bathroom will be the destination.  Only a runner could understand how awesome this would be.  Lunch hour runs are my favorite diversion.  Guaranteed daylight in a time I would otherwise spend running in the dark.  Guaranteed time slot to run without worrying about child care or time away form the kids.  It is the single moms dream time.  I will be taking every day I can steal.

My Splurge and Reward

Oh yeah and the best part about easier money management, these beautiful new running shoes(Asics GT-2120).  Found on sale over the weekend.  My knees, shins and IT band will thank me tonight on this warm fall evening run.

Breaking Down the Debt

I had wanted to end things with my ex for many years. I knew one month after we got pregnant with our second child that things were never really going to get better. When I bought our second house it was all in my name and I purposely picked a mortgage that I hoped I could afford on my own after a few years. I knew he would not be around for much longer. But money was really always the reason I stayed. I made a decent living but not a tremendous amount. And childcare costs were more than mortgage each month. I often looked at the day my children were in school as my breath of freedom. Turns out I couldn’t even make it that long.

My ex was(is) a financial wreck. The amount of debt and carelessness this man had amassed over the years was astounding to me. Especially because his parents constantly bailed him out. My father helped bail me out of credit card debt at age 25 and I was grateful. And most of mine was from supporting stupid unemployed boyfriend and medical bills. Every day that I owed money to him it hung over my head like an impending thunderstorm threatening to ruin my day. And my father was patient and never demanding. Last tax return I finally paid him off and I felt amazing. Since then I had been planning for the future. I knew the ex would be out of the picture. I started direct deposit into a savings account. I traded my problematic and expensive car for something new but reliable and financially realistic. I bought my bike and put it on a 0% interest credit card for 12 months. Today after 6 months of paying it is paid in full. I had no credit card debt and now that money will go towards building my savings account and paying down the car loan.

What’s the funniest about all this is that not living with the money sucking death spiral is actually easier on a monthly basis. He pays support but less than he should. But even with that not having to constantly ante up for some train wreck he caused is amazing. I am in better financial shape after five months than I was going into this. Not what I expected from single parenting. I am amazingly blessed to have family with significant means. I admit my mother helped by a lot of my daughter’s school uniform. But it wasn’t any different than the amount of clothes she normally buys for them. And I do have a boyfriend who helps out with groceries from time to time. Sometimes I wonder if I should have made him leave sooner. But maybe this was exactly how it was suppose to workout. I’ll never know.

But it does all leave me a little controlling and paranoid about money. I am sure my current guy thinks I’m a little nutty. But he is patient and revealing of all my questions. But ultimately I am determined to never be fully dependent on someone else. I want my daughter to know she can do it on her own and here are the tools. No one taught me. She will not be deficient in that lesson plan.

The Focal Point

Days are insanely busy. One place to another. Trying to run. Trying to mother. Trying to relax. Non comes inherently easy. This is the phase. I know that. I accept the choice(?) I made. The consequences are tiring. But Ex is no more appealing than he was the day I ended it. Some keep thinking that it will change. His life cleanup will suddenly make the frog prince. The stench of cigarette smoke I will never miss. The impulsive large flat screen TV. No toys for the kids. Even they tire of movies and candy after weeks on end. Funny how even at 3 and 5 they are smart. Perceptive may be a better word.

Instead I have fallen in love. For the very first time in my life. Nearly 30 years old and I finally understand all the cliches. All the hype. I have been wandering for a really long time. I have lived with people, conceived two children with one, had a commitment ceremony with another and I never really was in love. I’m not sure how that happened. No wonder I have seemed aimless all these years. I have been. Not understanding my true worth. I am in completely unknown territory.

I wonder about the feasibility of falling in love at these moments. If I have enough to give. If I am paying enough attention to see everything. If the log cabin in the woods is too distracting. Literally, he lives in a log cabin bordering a state park. A little over a half mile from a metropark. Along every popular bike route in town. The focal point of the world I have dreamed about since I moved back here. His complete tender Southern devotion and accent as he utters my name and sweet nothings.

It could all work out amazingly. Or explode in 5 years. My track record gives me little reason to hope. But that’s what I seem to be filled with each day. A quiet filling hope. That for some reason. Despite every explosion in the past. Despite the four hundred factors in all this. It does work. I’m going to stay with this one.

Three hour commutes

Another day around here.  A bit harried but less stressful.  Getting back into my life as I envisioned it.  Well not completely.  But pretty close.  At times I wish I could cut the ex out.  But that’s not “good”.  He’s a decent dad if not unmotivated.  I wonder about his involvement as time goes on.  Three months of repentant behavior has been seen before.  We are drifting towards the dark of winter here.  Those months loom deep in him.  Even less to tie him to this place.  His personality still the freebird.  Come spring harnessing and staying may be harder than we all imagine.  Are the kids enough?  It’s sad to say I’m still not sure.  It is always movies and ice cream and swimming right now.  Fun time with Dad.  Very little of basic life.  Maybe once this part passes that will change.  But somehow I just doubt it.  It makes me sad sometimes.  How you explain to a ten year old their father can’t always keep it together.  That it has nothing to do with them.  Their internal self worth, about the person they are or can become.  What an amazing course I will have to navigate.  I made these choices years ago without fully understanding.  I hope I do a little better now.

J has been quietly waiting on the sidelines.  So completely in love and  ready to be a family.  It is hard to resist his exuberance.  If it was just me I’d have run away and eloped by now.  Shacked up in the log cabin in the woods I like to think of as my own even still.  But these kids.  I have picked a man quite a bit older.  That in itself causes complications.  But his appearance in their lives creates joy and hostility at once.  They love him.  But do not understand who he is.  Where he fits.  The huge changes that could become our lives again if I make the complete surrender.  I am surrounded with change and newness.  A sweet devotion of what I had pictured and dreamed of so many years ago.  Yes he is probably the one I was always looking for.  Our quiet chemistry this past year has signaled more depth than I imagined as we moved into being more than friends.  Each revealing similar thoughts and actions as we compare notes from those beginning months.  Long before either one even contemplated something romantic.  Funny how the courses collided despite all obstacles.

So I am holding out.  For a little while.  Doing things the right way.  The way I never did it before.  My right way at least.  Enjoying the mental space to run when I need.  The encouragement from all sides.  To read a book.  To knit some socks.  To build a family from from the ground up with a few more ingredients than I bargained for.  I think we all have a picture in our heads.  Even it is an idealistic photograph from a non-existent memory.  My past colors the foundation I am trying to build for my children.  I want slow deep appreciation.  Woods and quiet afternoons with siblings rambling and creating.  Stability.  Creativity.  Bountiful love.  I am savoring each moment I get as the single parent.  Every extra hug and kiss.  Smile and giggle.  It is a selfish conservation before anything changes again.  And it will.  More times than I will be able to count.  Am I ready?

Making Plans

Last night I stood in the mosquitoes. Aggressive and persistent to pick one last taste of summer. The acre of property my grandparents cultivated is full of sweet fruit and memories. But most striking are the grapes. Made into jelly and juice to enjoy long after the freeze has settled in for a cold winter season. None of those pleasures have been experienced since my grandmother’s decline and then passing this past January. But I determined about 3 million mosquito bites were a small price for two quarts of these grapes. Purple and sweet. Seeds and all. The squish and roll in your mouth uncompared to anything from the market. It may be my last summer. The property I have grown to love may flash away before the next harvest. If not for the failing foundation and money pit that it is I would rescue it for my own.

The love for running has returned. The joy of being out there. The confidence in my strength rebuilding. I need to loose the weight I have put on during this time of stress. Binging being my friend in these periods has been problematic. I am taking the next two months to turn inward and understand the triggers and deal with it. Return to form. There will always be stress but there are so many more joys now. Funny how realize sometimes it really wasn’t the other person, it really was your issue. The things you bring from one to another. Needing to stop some of that. J is a wonder and a dream. I need to treat him as well as he treats me.  No drama or safety nets.  Just the realization that I may actually be truly happy.

So I picked my marathon for spring. The day after my 30th birthday. The best way I can imagine celebrating my birthday. A milestone with a milestone. Plenty of time to slog through winter building my base and running my heart out. With time to settle into tri season afterwards. Training starts the first week of December. Ample time to get back into my form. I have planned a series of races for November to give me inspiration between now and then. And as a spring board for pacing expectations. I am ready. I am excited. This is the right next step I needed to take. Finally.

Blessed Be and the other

I seem to be in a good wave again.  It is amazing how the tide changes without effort at times.  The weekend was a lovely time of relaxing and peace.  Little arguing between siblings.  Time at the country house and all the activities associated with that.  The running is falling in place again.  Ran a little over 9 miles Monday morning because I love it.  J’s encouragement at times is the only thing getting me out the door.  But the longer miles and confidence in my body has gone a long way in bouying my spirits.  Last night’s 3.4 miles was purely for the love of running.  I can say that.  Sometimes I think it is a funny statement.  Especially as I pound over my neighborhood streets.  The uneven sidewalks.  Broken glass alleys and stares from folks not used to seeing some running on purpose.  I am a misfit in a working class world that values that time from 5-8pm for beer drinking, smoking cigs on the porch and just watching the world go by.  Soon as the seasons turn they will disappear into their houses with the chill of autumn.  My running only existing for the few hurrying to a car in the dark of the evening.

My daughter continues to marvel at the existence of school.  Of classmates all five years old.  Except Tony who is 4 for just a few more days.  Learning the proper formation of letters and numbers.   Sounding out words.  The teacher voice emanating from her as she describes another fanciful day at a place I worry about less and less.  She is also a misfit in her class.  The only white girl in a see of black children.  A choice I made on the quality of education.  A constant justification to family and friends that wears at times.  Despite her stories of French class daily, recess each day and access to the best facilities and small classes.  I am a working single mom taking advantage of programs aimed at the underprivileged.  A lottery we scooted through probably ironically because of her extreme whiteness.  I know we make their numbers look better.  But I get an hour each morning until I take her to school.  Pure alone time while at my work.  Coloring.  Math.  Hugs and more kisses.  She gets mom without sibling or housework.  A little diversity for this hippy family.  I deliver her to the door and pick her up again.  Complete fortune in my world.  Well taken care of for my work day and free.  Learning about 5 yr olds and learning to read.  A little culture she barely notices more than some children are taller, shorter or have longer hair.  A mixture of names never encountered before…Mahogney, Avionna, Khary, Ardesia, Sarena, Nyla…I love each moment.  This may be her only year.  I hope she remembers.  20 years from now.  A gift, an experience not duplicateable.